Thirty by Kodi Jacobs
Thirty
Feelings wash over me and through me
I am filled with desire and longing
I yearn for stability both inside and out
I clean my room and I pretend that my desk is used for work
A strategically placed laptop and Joan Didion book
Take the place of chaos
The flowers stand up tall
Pinks and purples fill the room
This is home for a girl
Delicate and soft
She's adorable. Adorable
When did I accept this role?
Five foot two. I'll act sweetly
Play with my little breasts
The small ribbon on my panties
I'm a gift to be unwrapped
Growing older fills a panic and I ask myself
Am I where I want to be?
Am I who I want to be?
Thirty is waiting
All there is is time to fill
I wake up cold
I need more blankets
I take my pills
Pink and white
I want to do more
Be more
Hold more inside myself
Stand tall
Sit pretty
Love and be loved
Tell me
I'm a good girl
Spit
In my mouth
Make
Me your whore
Am I
All talk?
Should I
Slow down?
Dare I
Let you in?
Be vulnerable?
Scream at the top of my lungs?
At thirty I'll be smarter
I recently read an essay
by Zadie Smith in which
she states that without
the element of love present
in some form
somewhere in our lives
there is only time, and there
will always be too much of it
I think about the ways I spend my time
How I have spent it
And will continue to spend it
Before thirty and after thirty
As woman. As boy
As truth. As lie
Thoughtful and thoughtless
Caring and uncaring
With you. Alone
I remove the parts of my history I do not like
Non-Fiction is Fiction
I talk to people I normally wouldn't
Tell me about your interests
Why do you like the things you like?
I am the sum of the parts made of my own volition
My time is my own
I count the hours between messages
The days between plans
I read, I write, I watch a film
I feel best when I consider myself
A person I don't know very well
told me that they find
the idea of there being no point to life
both inherently freeing
and scary
Noting that it highlights
the importance in taking care
of our own happiness
as well the happiness of those around us
I don't want to be a problem
Who will break the silence?
I think I am too warm, I should be colder
How does it feel to be needed?
I am catching up with myself
At times I feel the compulsion
to ask my friends if there are
things I can do
to make myself more likeable
How is it we are able to see?
I blow smoke into the page
of the book I'm reading
Ash falls on my leg
I've never been good at using ash trays
Not in my skill set, I think
I wake from restless dreams
A fearless display of the subconscious
Like soft linen, my pain covers me
Caressing my skin
I allow myself to be comforted by the familiar
I try to let go
Our bodies are water; we either swim or drown
When will I mention that
my unreadiness to turn thirty
lies in the idea of leaving behind
a girl I’ve never known?
I move further away from a romanticised version of youth
Meaningless phrases fill my mind
How dull life would be without them
I get asked to go skateboarding
I imagine the wheels under my feet
The unreadiness I'll feel in that moment
The thrill of the unknown
I plan my outfit and prepare my mind
I think of the coming days
I am dumb and small
I turn to memories of rats
The nervous curiosity that filled
the room with a deliberate energy
Have you ever had tears on your face
with a rodent in your arms?
What compares?
Desire calls out to me
We exist in the one breath
Fucking doesn't interest me
as much as a soft kiss
Fucking isn't love
Fucking isn't desire
What is fucking?
A way to fill the time
I want to be kissed and loved
Clumsy and sweet
I think of the ways Anne Carson talks of desire
Sex as a substitute
The readiness to stop seeing
I imagine her standing over me
Watching
Hand on my shoulder
How does one write with clarity?
What does it mean to be a woman?
I think of my mother
I'll be thirty in a month
What's next?
More time
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